No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
