He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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