On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
