He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
