His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
