yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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