I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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