she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
