I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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