my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
