so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
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He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
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I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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