apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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