okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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