I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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