and she was petting her beer can
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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