I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
