Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
