she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
