need another drink. this is the easiest way
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
