When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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