one word: firstdatebathroomanal
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
