I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
organizing the empties. That sober.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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