i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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