No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
