I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
