i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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