I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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