You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
