can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
