At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
