I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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