I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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