you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
