I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
