I'm eating all of the evidence.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
