Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
