you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
