can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
