I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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