Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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