you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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