i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
