Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
