Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
