When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
