____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
