I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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