He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
