mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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