i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
