Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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