I could make wine with my vomit
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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