i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
