I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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