I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
