Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wish you could order shots online.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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