alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
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The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
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She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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