When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
