This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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